Fight or Flee;
- Aug 25, 2017
- 2 min read
I thought I was fighting, I thought I was trying to save something that was already lost long ago.
I was told that my strongest personality trait is my perseveration and endurance. But they are also my biggest weaknesses in relationships. I want to fight, I do not believe in giving up... But unfortunately that is not how life works.
I didn't know if I wanted to fight or flee. I was lost and lacked motivation to make any decisions.
I lost who I was and wasn't sure how to get back on track. Then the retrenchment happend... Being retrenched really sucks, but I will have to get over that pretty soon and man the fuck up. More decisions to be made!!!!!
Am I going to look for work in South Africa? Will there be work in South Africa, the economy being what it is? Should I follow my dream look for something overseas? Do I move back to my parents to save money? Or do I just take the next boring dull 9 - 5 and just be?
All these issues must sound very mediocre and may not really be a major issue for most people.
But add additional saucy ingredients like break ups, friendship reconciliations, a perverted boss, some unsavoury elements and you have one big mind flop! Somewhere in your life you have to man the fuck up, forget about all the shit and grow up!
But I didn't, I fled. I ran straight to my brother in PE that has always been my safe haven. Then off I went to George for some pampering. I did things on a whim not giving a fuck. Just being reckless and drinking ALOT. That is actually a understatement. It was my crutch. It was my thing that I used to hide behind everything else. It gave me the strength to putt up a fake friendly face and in the process fooled even my parents that I was fine. Well done Celeste...
I just couldn't cope anymore. Self destruction was taking over my life, but hid it from everyone. "I am strong", they say, "dealing with all the work stuff like a boss", blah blah blah. So I just carried on with my smiley face mask, trying to be awesome. Meanwhile I was suppressing everything with alcohol and anything else I got my hands on.
There was a moment, a moment where I was going back to old habits from years ago that scared the living shit out of me. I just couldn't anymore! I had to do something. A guy with whom I had a short fling managed to take away the little self esteem and self worth I had left, spat on it and made me feel like utter shit. Actually this guy did me a huge favor. He made me realize I needed help urgently.
Pull myself towards myself.
Best. Decision. Ever. I realized now that I have to face my demons upfront and not run away from them.!
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