When to move on.

You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better. If they wanted you to write about how beautifull love is, you shouldn't have your heart broken. If they wanted you to write the truth about your life and hardship, they shouldn't frown and judge you when you do.

It is OK to live a life other people don't understand. The most important thing is though that you understand it, and can be content about it.

With my last piece I really wasn't sure what the reaction would be. But to my surprise, there were actually people contacting me saying they relate. That I had balls confronting issues that people don't dare speak about. And telling my story with all the gory details.

Well, by now you should know that I am past the point of worrying what people may think. And that there are people out there too scared or ashamed to voice their struggles. I am happy that I can speak on behalf of you, or better, relate with you!

It was mentioned that I may curse too much, so I will try to keep it a little PG (when I feel like it though) :-)

I have been reading my last post over and over and over to try and figure out what comes next. What can I say now to make things OK. To follow up on "Love yourself, that's a start". But that's the thing, I don't know. Do you?

Sometimes it is easier to just hold on to the sadness and pain. To have the excuse of "it's my anxiety"or "I can't deal anymore because my life has just been one complete fuckup" (sorry :-)! ). That would have been a very easy way for me as well. It has been such a constant that I just settled. But if I keep on going that route I think I wouldn't have been able to deal with life in all aspects. Why make that decision? Living with all the demons just have to help you push harder to make your life so much more... so much better! It makes you stronger. Better than half the people out there.

I decided to live again. To crawl out of my dark place and give another go at it!

First order of business was to do something other than medicate to help manage the anxiety.

To be honest, the only person who really likes change is a wet baby!!!!

Gym, one of my many anxiety triggers turned out to be my life saver! I decided to cough up the cash and get a personal trainer. At least I will have somebody that will help me, guide me & turn excercizing into something fun again. He has made such a big impact on my life at the best time possible! When there are days I honestly just can't or don't want to deal, he motivates me. Gets me out of my hole, even if it is just for a 20min cardio session, then it turns into a proper session. I just have to get there. Push myself even if all you want to do the first 10 minutes is cry a little.

Now I am at a point where if I don't excercise for a day or two my anxiety skyrockets.

During the holidays my grandma passed away and to add to that I discovered some information that just gutted me from the inside. Origanilly I didn't know how to react, how to feel, how to deal. Old me would have had a major drinking binge session and would have to start back at square one. Instead I dealt with it a healthy way. Now I am getting my self esteem back. Feeling good about myself and respecting my body.

Overthinking ruins you. It ruins the situation, twists things around, makes you worry and just makes everything much worse that it actually is. Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breath and believe that everything will work out for the best.

One of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting, of what pushes down onto your heart that makes you feel like you can't breathe.

I am sounding like a fucking hallmark card. A few months ago I would have given one big middle finger to somebody that was telling me all this BS. One thing that I learnt is somebody can tell you until they are blue in the face what to do or how to feel. If you don't want to listen it doesn't help. You have to come to the conclusion yourself and come to terms with it.

I just had to make that decision. It won't happen automatically, you would have to say;

* I don't care how hard it is.

* I don't care how dissapointed I am.

* I am not going to let this get the best of me.

As I am typing this I am laughing so hard. I feel like I have to read what I just wrote numerous times to make me believe it more!

I am not preaching as if I am 100% there or have things figured out, I am taking it day by day. This is something that can't be cured. But you/ I can figure out a way to deal with it. I still sit everyday looking at my scars. Reminding me where I was, and how far I have come. But I wouldn't want it any other way. Everyone has scars, some are just not visible. Here I go again, sounding like a poster child for Hallmark.

Now it is a new year and I can really start fresh. Or better, try my fucking best to do so!!!

All my LOVE!!

C :-)