Reality Check ...
- Sep 15, 2017
- 2 min read
So, where to even start.
I was in a safe haven for almost 5 weeks. A place where the world didn't matter, where it was just me, myself and I! Minimal social media, almost no communication with anyone who knew what I was going through, and now it is over. Now I must deal with reality. The real world.
I walked out of there positive, I was going on holiday! I am going to be somewhere where my heart can heal and I can try and figure out where my mind is now and how I am going to cope with what is lying ahead and how to deal with it...
Then that time arrived! I had to move, start looking for work, tackle the daily obstacles… All these issues were monitored in the hospital. Now I have to use the tools they gave me and make it work. It was hard as fuck and I freaked out!
The reality SUCKS! I am somebody that hates uncertainty. For someone that suffers from anxiety and borderline personality disorder I need stability.
Marsha Linehans (1993) categorizes BPD symptoms into five areas of difficulties. It was so funny reading through them and seeing myself in almost all the areas. Now my personality and relationships with other people make so much more sense.
I might feel overwhelmed with my emotions, which are rapidly changing, often in response to conflicts in my relationships. Another aspect of dealing or not dealing with my emotions is that you are not able to name, express or fully understand your emotions. For a someone to be in a long-distance relationship it is so hard to deal with shit when you don't know how.
Something that caught my attention the most was the interpersonal aspect. It means that you frequently experience chaos in your relationship, that you have difficulty managing and maintaining your relationship, and that you fear being abandoned by the important people in your life.
What has this to do with being back in the real life you ask? These are aspects that run through my head on a daily basis. You need to deal with these issues to make sure you heal. It is all about my behavior that links in to DSM. Using actions like self-injury, disordered eating, self-image issues, alcohol abuse and potentially life threatening behaviours is simply not the answer to deal with life. This I now understand and wish that people who have the same tendencies realise that there is a better solution to cope.
I am back in reality, taking it day by day and dealing with issues as they pop up. I have my family, friends and a huge support system to help me when needed.
Now here I am, I have to adult, I need to be a big girl and harden the fuck up.
Game on!!!
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